What you describe isn’t weakness or lack of discipline. It’s what happens when life demands more holding than producing, more grieving than optimizing. No system, no calendar, no amount of “doing it right” can override that for long.
Losing the farm isn’t a chapter that neatly closes just because time passes. It lives in the body. In the nervous system. And in the quiet moments where animals should be, rhythms should be familiar, and something essential is missing.
Trying to be perfect on top of that? That's an understandable response, but a costly one.
I appreciate you naming that the exhaustion isn’t from writing, but from carrying. Most people never make that distinction and end up blaming the very things that still give them meaning.
Pausing isn’t letting anyone down. It’s listening early enough to avoid breaking later. In Nature, rest is not an interruption of the process! It is the process...
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. It matters more than consistency ever could.
Thank you. I don’t even know how to reply without just saying yes, exactly, because you’ve described it so clearly.
The farm doesn’t become a neat, finished chapter just because the paperwork ends or the seasons move on. You’re right, it sits in the body and in the nervous system, and it shows up most in the quiet moments when the rhythms and the animals should be there and they’re not.
And thank you for naming the perfectionism for what it is. I think I’ve tried to compensate by being hyper functional, organised, consistent, always “useful,” because it feels safer than admitting I’m still carrying grief and stress that doesn’t fit neatly into a content schedule.
Writing is still one of the few things that gives me meaning. It’s the weight underneath it that drains me.
Thank you for the reminder that rest is not failure, and that in nature it’s part of the process. I needed to hear that, and I suspect a lot of other people did too.
Hi Hepen, This is a beautiful post. Honest and vulnerable. Many people are carrying burdens and carrying on as best they can and this post is an acknowledgement of the reality and the strength of that not just for you but for others too. It's important to pull back sometimes in order to refresh and reset. It means we can go back to the meaningful things we do with renewed energy and focus while at the same time dropping or pulling back from the things that don't matter so much.
Something I've been working on recently is trying to weave in those pull-back and reset moments into my life so that they are more frequent and not so dramatic - gentle, I guess - so that I'm less susceptible to burnout. It's all those little daily healthy and life-giving moments and habits that help to create more balance. For me, it's an ongoing practice, tuning into the things that help relax me and lift my mood. I think it's ultimately a lifelong thing.
What you’ve said about pulling back to refresh and reset really resonates, especially the idea of making those moments more frequent and more gentle, rather than waiting until you hit the wall. I think I’ve been doing the dramatic version for a while, pushing until I can’t, then disappearing to recover, and it’s not a sustainable rhythm.
I love what you said about weaving in small daily life giving habits, the quiet tuning in to what lifts your mood and settles your nervous system. That feels like the real work, and probably the hardest part, because it requires consistency and kindness rather than sheer grit.
Thank you for reading so carefully and for reflecting it back in a way that helps me, and I’m sure helps others too. ☺️
That's totally it, Helen. It's taken me over 50 years to figure it out. My pattern has been boom and bust historically. But it's not sustainable. You realising this much earlier is a really good thing.👍🫶🙂
Thank you so much. It really means a lot to feel that solidarity from across the Atlantic.
And you’re right, it’s not just an “England problem.” So many of these pressures are showing up everywhere in different forms, but the same underlying story. Farmers and ordinary families getting squeezed while bigger forces keep reshaping food, land, and livelihoods.
I’m sending strength right back to you in America too. Keep fighting the good fight where you are, and thank you for caring about what’s happening here.
Don't be hard on yourself. The world doesn't end if you don't post or post something later than you wanted to. You have been through a major bereavement with a whole load of horrible stuff emanating from that. Be gentle on yourself.
It's not your job to save the world. Look after your family, your kids and your hubby. Do whatever you need to do to get some income (if that's what you need right now), if not don't worry about it.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this, and I’m grateful you took the time to say it so plainly.
You’re right, I have been treating this like if I stop posting everything falls apart, and that’s not true. The farm loss has been a bereavement, and the knock on effects have kept coming for so long that I think I’ve forgotten what “gentle” even looks like.
You’re doing a wonderful job defending farmers and amplifying their message; don’t be too hard on yourself.
You are correct. This is a world-wide problem that all of our governments need to address. I thank God for farmers every day and appreciate the exhausting and never-ending work they do.
Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. I do get hard on myself, so I’m taking this as a needed reminder.
And yes, I’m more and more convinced this isn’t just a UK policy problem. Different countries have different flashpoints, but the pattern is global: farmers carrying huge risk, being squeezed by costs and markets, and then being treated as politically expendable.
I’m with you on gratitude. People don’t always see it, but farming is exhausting, relentless work, and it underpins everything else. Thank you for appreciating that, and for standing with farmers rather than taking food for granted.
It’s good to recognised this and took time out. There’s a lot going on for you and this community will always be here waiting when you’re ready x
Thanks Carrie 🤍
Helen,
What you describe isn’t weakness or lack of discipline. It’s what happens when life demands more holding than producing, more grieving than optimizing. No system, no calendar, no amount of “doing it right” can override that for long.
Losing the farm isn’t a chapter that neatly closes just because time passes. It lives in the body. In the nervous system. And in the quiet moments where animals should be, rhythms should be familiar, and something essential is missing.
Trying to be perfect on top of that? That's an understandable response, but a costly one.
I appreciate you naming that the exhaustion isn’t from writing, but from carrying. Most people never make that distinction and end up blaming the very things that still give them meaning.
Pausing isn’t letting anyone down. It’s listening early enough to avoid breaking later. In Nature, rest is not an interruption of the process! It is the process...
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. It matters more than consistency ever could.
Thank you. I don’t even know how to reply without just saying yes, exactly, because you’ve described it so clearly.
The farm doesn’t become a neat, finished chapter just because the paperwork ends or the seasons move on. You’re right, it sits in the body and in the nervous system, and it shows up most in the quiet moments when the rhythms and the animals should be there and they’re not.
And thank you for naming the perfectionism for what it is. I think I’ve tried to compensate by being hyper functional, organised, consistent, always “useful,” because it feels safer than admitting I’m still carrying grief and stress that doesn’t fit neatly into a content schedule.
Writing is still one of the few things that gives me meaning. It’s the weight underneath it that drains me.
Thank you for the reminder that rest is not failure, and that in nature it’s part of the process. I needed to hear that, and I suspect a lot of other people did too.
Hi Hepen, This is a beautiful post. Honest and vulnerable. Many people are carrying burdens and carrying on as best they can and this post is an acknowledgement of the reality and the strength of that not just for you but for others too. It's important to pull back sometimes in order to refresh and reset. It means we can go back to the meaningful things we do with renewed energy and focus while at the same time dropping or pulling back from the things that don't matter so much.
Something I've been working on recently is trying to weave in those pull-back and reset moments into my life so that they are more frequent and not so dramatic - gentle, I guess - so that I'm less susceptible to burnout. It's all those little daily healthy and life-giving moments and habits that help to create more balance. For me, it's an ongoing practice, tuning into the things that help relax me and lift my mood. I think it's ultimately a lifelong thing.
What you’ve said about pulling back to refresh and reset really resonates, especially the idea of making those moments more frequent and more gentle, rather than waiting until you hit the wall. I think I’ve been doing the dramatic version for a while, pushing until I can’t, then disappearing to recover, and it’s not a sustainable rhythm.
I love what you said about weaving in small daily life giving habits, the quiet tuning in to what lifts your mood and settles your nervous system. That feels like the real work, and probably the hardest part, because it requires consistency and kindness rather than sheer grit.
Thank you for reading so carefully and for reflecting it back in a way that helps me, and I’m sure helps others too. ☺️
That's totally it, Helen. It's taken me over 50 years to figure it out. My pattern has been boom and bust historically. But it's not sustainable. You realising this much earlier is a really good thing.👍🫶🙂
This is generous writing. Pauses are part of staying whole! ❤️
Thank you Kara 🤍 your support means a lot! And feedback!
🙏for you all in England and all that you’re facing in so many areas of life. We have some big fish to fry here in America too.
Thank you so much. It really means a lot to feel that solidarity from across the Atlantic.
And you’re right, it’s not just an “England problem.” So many of these pressures are showing up everywhere in different forms, but the same underlying story. Farmers and ordinary families getting squeezed while bigger forces keep reshaping food, land, and livelihoods.
I’m sending strength right back to you in America too. Keep fighting the good fight where you are, and thank you for caring about what’s happening here.
Don't be hard on yourself. The world doesn't end if you don't post or post something later than you wanted to. You have been through a major bereavement with a whole load of horrible stuff emanating from that. Be gentle on yourself.
It's not your job to save the world. Look after your family, your kids and your hubby. Do whatever you need to do to get some income (if that's what you need right now), if not don't worry about it.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this, and I’m grateful you took the time to say it so plainly.
You’re right, I have been treating this like if I stop posting everything falls apart, and that’s not true. The farm loss has been a bereavement, and the knock on effects have kept coming for so long that I think I’ve forgotten what “gentle” even looks like.
You’re doing a wonderful job defending farmers and amplifying their message; don’t be too hard on yourself.
You are correct. This is a world-wide problem that all of our governments need to address. I thank God for farmers every day and appreciate the exhausting and never-ending work they do.
Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. I do get hard on myself, so I’m taking this as a needed reminder.
And yes, I’m more and more convinced this isn’t just a UK policy problem. Different countries have different flashpoints, but the pattern is global: farmers carrying huge risk, being squeezed by costs and markets, and then being treated as politically expendable.
I’m with you on gratitude. People don’t always see it, but farming is exhausting, relentless work, and it underpins everything else. Thank you for appreciating that, and for standing with farmers rather than taking food for granted.
Take good care of yourself. (: